This week's demon to cleanse is to stop living life by the obligation. In this, I'm my own worst enemy. I constantly fill up my week with things to do - seeing friends, going to events, trying new classes - none of which are bad in and of themselves (I love seeing my friends, going to events and trying new things!), but when I leave no time for me, and feel that I HAVE to do all of these things that I've laid out for myself, it starts to feel like a chore, which sucks all the fun out of doing it in the first place. Even when I do things that are supposed to help me relax, I get this "gotta catch 'em all" feeling that won't leave me feeling satisfied until whatever random goal I've set for myself is complete. This is why I won't start a TV series unless I'm committed to seeing every single episode (and now thanks to Hulu and Netflix, there's no excuse for me not doing this), and even now yoga just feels like a workout instead of the relaxing sanctuary it once was. So how do you solve a problem like an out-of-control schedule?
The folks over at the Inner Mean Girl cleanse remind us that we can start saying "no" to things. And actually, I feel that I've done this a bit since I moved in with my boyfriend. Being too busy for the people I love is something I have to come back to time and again to reshift priorities. It may have flown in high school and college when there were academics and a future at stake (which also gave me a free pass at moodiness that I'm also learning to curb), and even now when I pour myself into my work, I have to reassess what's more important: my job or my relationships. This can be a tough one. Probably the most telling example where I had to choose was when there was a high-profile event at work but I had promised my boyfriend that I would be with him that same night. When I first warned him about the conflict, he assumed that I would have chosen work over him, like I had so many times before. I changed up my pattern and got a coworker to cover for me (and of course I returned the favor at a later event), and thankfully so - my boyfriend experienced a family emergency that day and I am so glad that I had freed up my schedule to be with him. Of course, I couldn't have known that would have happened, but making him a priority allowed me to be there for the unexpected instead of leaving him to deal with it alone.
The cleanse also suggests to "serve yourself first." I've mentioned that I've tried activities to get myself to relax, but soon the relaxation becomes an obligation. What's a worrier to do? A very calm friend (it's always good to have those) pointed out to me that even when I'm doing things for me - going to a movie, reading a book, working out, etc - I'm still distracting myself and not spending time with the thoughts in my head, and that I need time to just let myself pause. He suggested meditation, which I think I'm going to start doing. Serving yourself first also means turning down an invitation because Mondays are your days for you, or whatever ritual you happen to set. And hopefully when we make time for ourselves, we're that much more rejuvenated and in tune when we make time for others, and that time is all the more meaningful because you chose to be there.
Do you feel that you do things out of obligation? What do you do to create a healthy balance in your life? Leave your comments below!
See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.
Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
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Man, I know exactly what you mean - I usually refer to this as the "tyranny of choice" problem. I constantly have a list of things to-do and I'm never happy until I finish every single one of them. And then I'm not really any happier when they're all done, either. I've just created busy work for myself. Your mind goes into a hamster-wheel-like condition where mindfulness goes out the window and all that matters is getting it done.
ReplyDeleteA recent TED talk lecturer referred to the top 5 actions a person can take each day which are scientifically proven to increase happiness:
1) Be active.
2) Be social.
3) Give something away (your time or an object).
4) Learn something new.
5) Be mindful of your surroundings.
I try to do all of these things every day. I consistently find #5 to be the most difficult, the most nebulous and unattainable.
I say a short meditation whenever I find myself unhappy with everything, feeling rushed and ungrateful, etc.
"Thank you, universe, for this warm bed. Thank you for this clean water, chance at an education, supermarket full of food, [insert privilege here]."
And it helps my calm, a lot.
I also try to look at something beautiful with fresh eyes each day - the way the sun comes in my bedroom window in the late afternoon, the maple trees in the backyard, the wood floors in my house.
It requires you slow your mind down enough to experience truly the present moment, and that's a billion times harder than it sounds.
Good luck in your search for mindfulness! Definitely check out some books on eastern religions from your local library - the Buddhists figured this stuff out centuries ago.
That's a great suggestion! Yes, mindfulness can be difficult. I live in New York City, so I'm almost trained to ignore others as I step into a crowded subway or walk down a busy street. When I went to visit my mother in the Midwest, we went for a walk and she said hello to someone passing us. I asked if she knew him and she said no, but that's just what you do. Somewhere, I need to learn the balance between these two worlds.
ReplyDeleteThanks!