Inner Mean Girl Cleanse: Media Matters

The final week of the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse challenges you to go media-free for a week to understand the effect media images have on you, and to become more powerful than them. I went back through some old Undomestic 10 interviews where I asked the question: "How do media generally portray women? What is a good example of this?" Here's just a sampling of the answers I received:


"Like second class citizens."


"Very incompletely."

"We are somehow different from the norm, femininity and 'female issues' are not on the same level as masculine normality (whatever that is)."

 

"In film comedies, women tend to either be affably clumsy leads of rom-coms or good-natured set dressing in mainstream comedy films where men get the jokes and also get to be fat."

"No matter how far we come, women are reduced to caricatures."

"I think this question gets answered within five seconds of turning on a television."

"More troubling to me are the shows that appear to break away from the old stereotypes, disguising the fact that they're just introducing new ones."

"Too few older women are given the chance to speak, or allowed to speak with authority."

"Ironically, by swinging too far on the continuum from housewife to male-bashing career woman, brands can be just as wrong as if they’d featured a woman baking cookies and making her husband’s shirts white."

"As a mother of a young child, we have been so distressed by secular images of women - particularly the sexualization of young women and girls - that we got rid of our TV!"

"You’re either alluring because you’re doing it upside-down from a trapeze, or you’re alluring because you’ve never done it before. Don’t get me wrong, being kinky or virginal isn’t problematic, but most women probably aren’t either of those things."

"All is not lost; we grew up with Topanga from Boy Meets World, and Hermione and Ginny from Harry Potter, and they kicked ass."

And one of my all-time favorite responses:

 

You are probably white. It’s hard for you to be pretty and smart. You are skinny and employ a self-deprecating sense of humor that keeps you from being threatening. Still, no one can get close to you! (The Proposal, Ally McBeal, Gray’s Anatomy). If you are very smart and have a great job, you’ve repressed some elemental part of yourself that requires 1: confronting your mother, 2: giving up your lucrative job, and 3: using lots of money to travel to “simpler” places (the south of France, rural America, the “East”, take your pick) where you will be rejuvenated/fall in love at last (Baby Boom, A Year in Provence, Sweet Home Alabama). Even then, you are probably still white. If you are Black, you are urban and struggling but dignified and can whip out rejoinders that make gay men blush—but you have relationship problems and rarely get the main storyline. If you are Asian, you are quiet but very, very spiritual. Since you are also boring, you will probably die at some point—though gracefully—and everyone will feel bad and will learn an important historical lesson (Luan on The Young and the Restless, Miss Saigon). To counteract this sad stereotype, you are increasingly being given the role that the black girl originally had, except you are allowed to have more sex (Ally McBeal, Grey’s Anatomy). Every now and then, if you are Black, you get to be the spiritual one, but you too must suffer and often die. This is so your character can have “something to do” (Battlestar Galactica, ER). Real life is much more complicated...Mind you—I don’t think the media does justice to men either.

 

How do you feel about media's portrayal of women?

Thanks for tagging along with me during this journey! Self-reflection is an ongoing process, but you have to start somewhere.

See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.


Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.

Inner Mean Girl Cleanse: Judge Judy

We all do it, whether we're conscious of it or not: we judge people. Silently, in thoughts that we quickly push away, in backhanded compliments that slip out of our mouths too quickly, or in heated arguments, quite blatantly. The Inner Mean Girl Cleanse asks, "Who do you judge the most?" I think judgment comes from two places: jealousy, and moral/political disagreement. We may judge someone for wearing something or acting in a certain way, only because we're jealous that we don't have the courage to do the things they do, or the confidence to put ourselves out there so boldly. We may judge someone because they have religious or political convictions that are at the complete opposite end of the spectrum from us, and we are frustrated that they can't see things the way we do. If I couldn't overcome political disagreements, I wouldn't be able to talk to my family (I represent the Rachel Maddow school of thought, and my parents prefer Fox News). To overcome these differences and focus on our relationship, we each have to ease our judgments of the other. When my family and I got into a heated debate about abortion around last year's health care talks, I stopped to ask my dad if he still thought I was a good, moral person, even though I was pro-choice. "Well, yes, you are," he said. "I still love you even though you're a liberal." And I still love him even though I refuse to watch Hannity with him. It's a give and take.

Jon Stewart said the same the other night at a talk in New York, that people can be opponents, but they don't have to be enemies. In fact, discourse between two opposing sides may actually help to move things forward. I was reminded of this at a conference I attended last weekend, where we were asked to both speak and listen to others on a given topic, then think about what we agree and disagree with, and where we might begin a conversation from common ground. The old adage in activism is to "meet people where they are." If we can stop judging others for not being like us or not believing in the things we do, we can work from what shared community we do have, and focus on solving problems, rather than exacerbating them.

Who do you judge? How do you think we might best work away from judgment?

See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.


Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.

Inner Mean Girl Cleanse: P-E-R-F-E-C-T (Find Out What it Means to Me)

This week's Inner Mean Girl to tackle is perfection. If you've read my past Inner Mean Girl posts, you know I am far from perfect. Still, we all aim to be, or at least try to give off the appearance of, near perfection in our lives to some extent. But it simply isn't possible. The cleanse suggests combating the urge to drive yourself to perfection by underpromising and overdelivering, or going for the "C" (versus the "A" grade in life), but as an ambitious New Yorker, that simply isn't my style. I believe you can erase the stress of needing to be perfect without sacrificing the quality and drive behind your work, and that just comes in giving yourself a break. As my parents used to tell me, if you've given something your best, that's all you can do. My yoga teacher said something similar the other day - that the goal of yoga (and life itself, perhaps) is to "become more skilled at being yourself." Really, what sense of happiness can you derive from living up to someone else's standard of "perfection"? Being true to our own individual nature is the ideal, and only, "perfection" to achieve.

Wanting to be "perfect" in a societal-common-denominator sense is dangerous because it leads to the other Inner Mean Girls: If we are "perfect" women, we're probably overbooked serving on PTA and charitable boards, while working, raising ("perfect") children, are excellent cooks, have a loving ("perfect") partner, the house, the car, the landscaping, the appliances - the epitome of Leave it to Beaver happiness. And if we're stepping into "Keeping-up-with-the-Joneses" territory, that makes us compare ourselves to what others have - what other levels of "perfect" in which other women have succeeded. It's a never-ending cycle where individual triumph and self-satisfaction (and esteem) are left to the wayside. And that's no way to live.

So yes, all you can do is become the best YOU. And you will be imperfect, as we all are, but you will also have the self-acceptance to embrace those imperfections. And that's all that you could ask for.

How do you become more skilled at being yourself?

See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.


Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.

Inner Mean Girl Cleanse: Overdoing It (Continued)

This week's demon to cleanse is to stop living life by the obligation. In this, I'm my own worst enemy. I constantly fill up my week with things to do - seeing friends, going to events, trying new classes - none of which are bad in and of themselves (I love seeing my friends, going to events and trying new things!), but when I leave no time for me, and feel that I HAVE to do all of these things that I've laid out for myself, it starts to feel like a chore, which sucks all the fun out of doing it in the first place. Even when I do things that are supposed to help me relax, I get this "gotta catch 'em all" feeling that won't leave me feeling satisfied until whatever random goal I've set for myself is complete. This is why I won't start a TV series unless I'm committed to seeing every single episode (and now thanks to Hulu and Netflix, there's no excuse for me not doing this), and even now yoga just feels like a workout instead of the relaxing sanctuary it once was. So how do you solve a problem like an out-of-control schedule?

The folks over at the Inner Mean Girl cleanse remind us that we can start saying "no" to things. And actually, I feel that I've done this a bit since I moved in with my boyfriend. Being too busy for the people I love is something I have to come back to time and again to reshift priorities. It may have flown in high school and college when there were academics and a future at stake (which also gave me a free pass at moodiness that I'm also learning to curb), and even now when I pour myself into my work, I have to reassess what's more important: my job or my relationships. This can be a tough one. Probably the most telling example where I had to choose was when there was a high-profile event at work but I had promised my boyfriend that I would be with him that same night. When I first warned him about the conflict, he assumed that I would have chosen work over him, like I had so many times before. I changed up my pattern and got a coworker to cover for me (and of course I returned the favor at a later event), and thankfully so - my boyfriend experienced a family emergency that day and I am so glad that I had freed up my schedule to be with him. Of course, I couldn't have known that would have happened, but making him a priority allowed me to be there for the unexpected instead of leaving him to deal with it alone.

The cleanse also suggests to "serve yourself first." I've mentioned that I've tried activities to get myself to relax, but soon the relaxation becomes an obligation. What's a worrier to do? A very calm friend (it's always good to have those) pointed out to me that even when I'm doing things for me - going to a movie, reading a book, working out, etc - I'm still distracting myself and not spending time with the thoughts in my head, and that I need time to just let myself pause. He suggested meditation, which I think I'm going to start doing. Serving yourself first also means turning down an invitation because Mondays are your days for you, or whatever ritual you happen to set. And hopefully when we make time for ourselves, we're that much more rejuvenated and in tune when we make time for others, and that time is all the more meaningful because you chose to be there.

Do you feel that you do things out of obligation? What do you do to create a healthy balance in your life? Leave your comments below!


See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.



Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.

Inner Mean Girl Cleanse: Quit Yer Comparin' (Continued)

After my freak-out earlier this week, I've been talking to everyone and their mother (literally, my mom's friends have weighed in) about their relationship experiences, and you know what I learned? It's obvious, but truly, everyone's situation is different, and I can't compare what's going on in mine to what's going on in somebody else's. The cleanse suggests 3 coping tactics for changing negative comparison behavior: Inspiration, Appreciation, and Gratitutde. So instead of looking at what my girl friends' dating lives are like and wondering if I'm missing out on something, I can use that energy as inspiration to explore new ground with my boyfriend. For instance, we realized that while we live together and see each other every day, we still need to go on dates. Planning out a few ideas together has brought back that excited feeling from when we first started going out. Instead of wanting to change certain things about my boyfriend, I can (and do!) appreciate who he is for exactly what he is. After all, he does this for me. And I only have control over how I can change myself (ahem, hello cleanse!). And finally, gratitude. I can't tell you how great my boyfriend has been this past week as I've laid out all sorts of questions and doubts before him. He has given me the time and the space to let me go through what I'm going through, wanting only what's best for me. Honestly, how could you ask for anything more than that.

With friends, I've had my share of mean girl experiences. Even now as an adult, I compare myself to others in two ways: By thinking that as long as a friend has less than me (money, job satisfaction, more weight, etc) then I "win" (yes, I can be a horrible person at times too), or if I see someone with a level of success that I think I'll never be able to achieve, I just give up and peg them as a frenemy, my thinking here that if I position myself as such, it puts me on their same playing field, even if it's only in my mind. So how do I combat this? If a friend has more of something that I seek, it can motivate me to get that for myself, and just be happy that my friend has gotten something that they've worked hard for and deserve. In the latter case of comparison, I can appreciate the person's achievements and look to them as a mentor or try to learn from their example - as much as I'd love to think I'm brilliant at everything I do, I know I have a lot to learn. And I am always grateful for my friends - their presence, their stories, their advice, their alcohol tolerance...I am very lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me.

So what about you? How does comparison affect your life? What do you tend to do about it? Leave your comments below!


See all Inner Mean Girl cleanse posts here.

Disclosure: I am receiving a thank-you gift for participating in this project.